Me And My Arousal

Mechanisms of arousal are always ignored by sex education. A friend of mine pointed this out while we were colouring schematic diagrams of dissected penises in grade 10 or 11.

The sex ed classes that I had summed male sexuality up in two topics: embarrassing occasions of involuntary erection, and the biological process of ejaculation (glands, muscle spasms). Female sexuality was comprised of genital diagrams that included "anus," presumably to make sure that everyone knew the vagina was indeed a separate opening, and of various studies of menstruation, relying heavily on two-dimensional pictures of the uterus, which looked mostly like a cow's head with fallopian tubes for ears and horns.

I think of arousal in terms of particular feelings that I recognize in myself, of the sensual/sexual variety. Sometimes these will include a desire to touch somebody and/or be naked with them, and sometimes they are all unfocussed and just feelings of pleasure and non-fulfillment. There is a description of the general physical sensations as part of the orgasm description.

Being aroused can also make me entirely more sensitive. I'll end up enjoying the pressure of my feet on the floor when I walk, the feeling of my tongue in my mouth, drafts moving my hair, vibrations from music, and especially being in contact with whoever my desires are focussed on (sounds like a certain drug, huh?). A lot of the time I get a fluttery stomach too.

As expected, being aroused will tend to make my vagina slippery and wet. I don't usually feel this gushing out of me; usually what I notice is that I am slippery and that my various vulval components slide past each other when I move, or that my underwear are cold when they touch me.

My clitoris swells up and turns redder when I am aroused, but I never really notice this. I only know this because I have checked specifically to see if it looked different when I was excited. It doesn't feel different except that I am aware of it.

Also, I barely ever say aroused, and never "turned on" or "horny." Mostly I say "want," as in "I want you," etc. Sometimes I say excited. Sometimes I say randy, mostly as a rhyme with panties, and mostly as a joke.

I don't know what I think about the idea that female arousal is less physically driven and more romance-related, in some kind of contrast to male arousal. True, even if I am all mentally excited to have sex, I sometimes end up totally not aroused during the act even though I still enjoy it and it feels good. This barely ever happens during oral sex, which is generally more likely to directly involve my clitoris.

I kind of think the mental-only female arousal concept arises from the fact that regular hetero sex doesn't necessarily involve female phallic tissue. In this context, there isn't the same opportunity for physical arousal. For sure, I have to be paying some kind of attention to have an orgasm, and the more I focus the more I can work myself up, but this is hardly a revelation unique to female sexuality. If a guy is all tired or drunk or otherwise distracted, he won't necessarily come either, especially if you are humping some part of his body that barely has any nerve endings.

I've never noted whether I am more often or more easily aroused by mental or physical suggestions. I'm sure that the two together are more potent (clever me).

I don't buy the idea that guys have a more demanding sex drive than ladies. When we were retired, I was always the one chasing my boy into bed. Now that I'm working more than him, he does most of the seducing. I think it depends on who has more time on their hands. 🙂 In any case I think it varies.

I don't know what I think of studies that pin testosterone as the sex drive/arousal hormone. Mainly I have come across this research quoted by two groups: Christian educators who are rationalizing why female masturbation is evil and male masturbation is not (girls just don't have the same drive, apparently), and marginally trained folks who are into evolutionary gender differences (also people like Anne Landers who just want to use science to confirm traditional wisdom).

Most things I have read acknowledge that several hormones have influence, as well as a lot of non-hormonal factors. Somewhere I was reading about a non-androgen hormone that appeared to be very involved in sex drive and orgasm, in general pleasure from touching, and also in seizures. I will go get that book again and find the name of the hormone. There was a weird correlation with it in that it concentrated in areas with fatty tissues, such as breasts, vulvas and pubic mounds, to produce extra sexual sensitivity in these areas. Nutty, I thought. It was a weird shape-shifter hormone too, that had slightly different forms in the blood, in the brain, in fat, and in the skin. Anyhow, should just get the book at the library and state actual research.

Some things that can make me think smutty thoughts are: the presence, voice, smell, attention, appearance, and concept of my beloved, and previously whoever else I was attracted to; random suggestions as from books and pictures, in the right context; having gone several days with no sexual gratification. Also, eating something sweet and fleshy (mangos, cherries, grapes, any kind of berry and most melons); being warm; having cold water trickle on me (as when the shower goes suddenly cold) and run through my hair; panting due to exertion; clean sheets, soft bed; being in a non-laying down position while cuddling my beloved (corners of couches, standing against wall/counter...); being well-fed; feeling accomplished; wearing foxy clothes.

The single most reliable thing that makes me aroused is being happy. Being aroused is nearly a symptom of my being happy. If I am very happy, I am very easily aroused and occasionally just walk around aroused with no actual focus for it except the sensation itself. I remember my entire grade 11 year as being like that. If I am sad, I nearly never get very aroused except by myself, even with prolonged, direct, skilled clitoral stimulation.

It usually works better for me to be aroused before attempting to go to bed than to try to get me aroused once I'm there. If I find myself in bed being pampered and don't have an already existing desire to get it on, I will almost certainly want to go to sleep, even if I mentally think I shouldn't. It is kind of funny and has caused a few romantic plans to backfire. For some reason the make-out location most likely to get me in a smutty mood is the kitchen. Kitchen. I don't know why, but it's quite reliable. Perhaps because the counters are waist height and leaning on them presents your pelvis to your companions?

Some things that can contribute to me being passive and unresponsive to smutty suggestions are: more than anything else, being sad or otherwise distressed; having not had very exciting orgasms lately, which is too bad because the two things feed off each other and both get worse; being very tired, although this does not always impede things; being sore, in pain, sick, uncomfortable, itchy, crampy or what have you; having had all kinds of orgasms lately and not feeling a driving need to have more. I also find that having my leisure time restricted by a job makes me not want to have sex. I think it can be the same for my boy. We've both been known to say "I feel like I have to get something done today before we go to bed."

My ability to be aroused is about the same thing as my sex drive.