Savarankiškos BDSM praktikos dominuojantiems asmenims

Now let’s look at a few solo practices you can use to begin developing your Dominance on your own.

Practice Discipline

If you want to be the master of another, you must first learn to master yourself. Discipline isn’t just about shaping the behavior of others—it’s primarily about controlling your own.

To be disciplined means to act in a controlled, organized, and self-restrained way in pursuit of a goal or adherence to a set of rules. A disciplined person manages their actions, thoughts, and desires even when facing challenges, often through consistent practice and commitment to a plan.

Despite the edgy aesthetic and a certain disdain for arbitrary societal rules, I’m a deeply disciplined person. If there’s something I want in life, I consistently put in the effort required to achieve it. These very articles are proof of that—showing up every week to publish, no matter the circumstances.

As a Dom, demonstrating discipline in your own life proves you have the competency to set meaningful goals, create actionable plans, and follow through with willpower and consistency. You don’t fold when things get difficult, and you hold yourself accountable. That kind of structure is exactly what many submissives crave for themselves. If you fail to model discipline, your submissive will struggle to respect you and follow the code of conduct or rules you establish. 

If this is an area you find challenging, I highly recommend starting with Bright Lines. I was first introduced to the concept of Bright Lines by Tom Bilyeu in 2018. The idea is simple but powerful: create clear, unambiguous boundaries with yourself around the habits that support the person you want to become. This approach places internal motivation front and center, giving you a solid reason for continuing the behavior while making it obvious whether you did it or not.

For example, you might set a boundary with yourself: I will work out three days a week, no matter what. Now, sure—that’s a little extreme. Sometimes you need rest days. But the power of a “bright line” lies in its clarity. You either did the thing or you didn’t. There’s no wiggle room, and that can be incredibly effective for holding yourself accountable.

What makes this really powerful is pairing it with identity. The key phrase is: “I’m the kind of person who…” followed by the habit you’re trying to form.

So, continuing our workout example: “I’m the kind of person who goes to the gym three times a week.” That single shift turns a behavior into a part of who you are. Once you adopt the identity of someone who works out regularly, your brain begins filling in the gaps: What else would that person do? Maybe they eat clean. Maybe they don’t drink much. Maybe they prioritize sleep.

Over time, when a temptation or obstacle comes up—say, you’re thinking about skipping a workout—your brain pushes back: That’s not who we are. And more often than not, you’ll follow through.

Practice Taking Responsibility

Power is what we tend to believe lies at the core of Dominance, right?

After all, the entire Dom/sub dynamic is based on power exchange—the submissive transferring power over them to you.

But what is power, really?

At its core, power is the ability to act freely—when you want, how you want—without external forces dictating your choices. It’s the capacity to take a vision in your mind and turn it into reality without restriction or interference.

Most people, when asked what lies at the heart of power, immediately think of control. But control only comes after power is attained. How do you actually gain that power? And why would people continue to willingly give it to you?

People generally yield power to you in exchange for what they want and need.

Think about it: to some degree, all of us hand over control of our lives to others every single day. We make this exchange because we believe the other party—whether it’s an employer, a corporation, or a government—will benefit us in some way.

The most prominent benefit is that we don’t have to worry about the logistical challenges of meeting our basic needs. Hell, people will accept tyranny if it provides safety and food on the table.

What lies at the heart of power is not control, but responsibility.

If you take responsibility for providing people with what they want and need, they will hand over their resources—and sometimes even some degree of control. These exchanges occur because you possess more power (remember: the ability to take action and make things happen) than the other person.

This means that those who wish to wield power must be able to understand, read, and feel what others want—and then deliver it in exchange for control. The most important skill for gaining more power in your life isn’t physical strength or amassing supporters (though both can help). It’s understanding what the people in front of you secretly crave, and taking responsibility for delivering it.

If you truly want to amass power in your life, you must start viewing every moment as an opportunity to assume responsibility. Every day presents chances to step up and lead in places where others are avoiding responsibility altogether.

In D/s relationships, the more you’re able to say, “I’m going to take responsibility for you and our dynamic,” the more power a submissive will want to relinquish.

In BDSM, there’s a dynamic known as Total Power Exchange, where the submissive gives 100% of their power to their Dom (often called her Master). That means the Dom has 100% control over them. But you know what else that means?

The Dom  also has 100% responsibility for the submissive, in every area of their life.

Of course, learning to take on that level of responsibility requires building capacity first. That’s why we start with you taking responsibility for yourself. That is where personal power is born.

As you take responsibility for your own life, you develop the skills to solve problems, create order, and acquire the resources needed to make shit happen. Your capacity for responsibility expands.

Only then are you able to extend that outward—to take responsibility for others.

Think of power as concentric circles:

• Yourself
• Your relationships
• Your family
• Your community
• Your country
• Your culture
• The world

You don’t have to be completely put together before taking on a little responsibility in other areas. Just remain conscious of your capacity. Only take on what you can genuinely tend to—no one wants half-ass work.

If you were to truly provide for the needs of everyone on the planet, you could theoretically amass the power to lead the world.

But start with yourself and the people immediately around you. Build your capacity for leadership. Then expand outward.

Practice Skills

The world of kink and BDSM is vast. It would be impossible for me to teach every kink with full training here—but I can give you the mindset and framework for developing your skills as a Top.

A Top is someone with the skills to perform specific acts on another person, not necessarily within a power exchange. A good Top has a solid understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves to ensure safe and enjoyable experiences for both partners.

Depending on what you’re into, you’ll need to learn certain technical skills to perform those kinks safely and effectively. If you’re drawn to shibari, you’ll need to learn proper rope handling. If you’re into impact play, you’ll need to learn how to wield a flogger correctly. Each kink has its own techniques, best practices, and safety considerations.

My recommendation: focus on what genuinely excites you as a Dom and build your skills around that.

There are shibari masters who don’t care about spanking, and spanking experts who have no interest in rope. Trying to master everything just to appeal to more submissives is a mistake. You risk becoming a Vending Machine Dom—a service provider instead of a true Dominant.

Once you know what excites you and the kind of play you want to offer, you can build your toolkit around that.

For example:

• If you’re interested in restraining a sub but don’t want to take on the intensive learning curve of shibari, you might choose leather cuffs, bondage tape, or beginner-friendly restraint systems instead.
• If orgasm control and edging fascinate you, a magic wand may serve you better than a dildo that requires more effort and offers less precision.

Figure out what you want from the experience, what you want to bring to your partner(s), and let those desires guide the skills you learn and the tools you acquire.

To support your learning, I recommend:

• The topping and bottoming books by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• Local workshops (find them through FetLife)
• Online learning platforms such as YouTube, Kink Academy, Beducated, and Kink University

Pick a kink you’re excited about. Find a resource. Start practicing. Go get after it.

Practice Commands & Dirty Talk

Your voice—particularly your commands—is going to be your number one tool for directing your submissive. Commands are so central that they appear first in my code of conduct for submissives, and the very first rule in my Dom/sub contract is: “He owns me. I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him (unless it causes me harm). He always has final say.”

Now, if you’re just starting out as a Dom, it’s unlikely you’ll be taking that level of control immediately. More often, you’ll be leading in the bedroom, where your commands guide the scene and shape the sexual experience. This means your delivery—the way you say things—matters just as much as the content of your words.

When it comes to dirty talk, the line between making your sub melt and making them cringe often comes down to your delivery. If your voice or body language signals discomfort or insecurity, your dirty talk can have the opposite effect and turn them off. But when you speak with grounded confidence, when the words feel like they’re coming from your core, they’ll respond—often viscerally.

Here’s what weak versus strong delivery looks like:

Weak Delivery

• Hesitation
• Shy or avoidant eye contact
• Nervous, fidgety, or erratic body language
• Speaking quickly or mumbling
• Higher pitch or thin vocal tone
• Upward inflection at the end of sentences, as if asking a question
• Speaking too softly

Strong Delivery

• Clear, direct speech without hesitation
• Strong, steady eye contact
• Grounded, confident body language
• Speaking slowly and enunciating
• Deeper pitch and fuller vocal tone
• Neutral or downward inflection at the end of sentences
• Speaking loudly and firmly (unless whispering intentionally during intimacy)

My recommendation: choose a handful of phrases you want to start using and practice saying them out loud. Yes—literally practice. Say them in the mirror, say them in the shower, say them while washing dishes. It might feel silly at first, but the goal is for these phrases to become normal and comfortable in your mouth. That way, when you’re in the bedroom, it’s just another rep—you’ll deliver them naturally, confidently, and with the kind of presence that makes your partner melt.