Savarankiškos BDSM praktikos paklusniems asmenims

Now let’s look at a few practices you can begin using to develop your submission on your own.

Practice Service

One of a Dom’s responsibilities in a dynamic is setting the vision for what the relationship or scene is going to be. They choose the direction and create the structure needed to get there. This applies in a fully committed relationship, a 24/7 dynamic, a casual connection, or even a single scene. The Dom is always leading.

Whether it’s one scene or an entire dynamic, leading is real work. A submissive is there to support the Dom in whatever ways help bring their shared vision to life. The Dom cannot do it alone—nor does a Dominant even exist without a submissive. Leaders need followers.

I like to think of the Dominant/submissive relationship as similar to a captain and first mate. The captain knows where the ship is headed and empowers the first mate to help them get there. The first mate follows the captain’s orders, makes their job easier, gives feedback about the state of the ship, and honors and respects the captain—especially in front of the crew. Your duties as a submissive are much the same.

You can practice this kind of service by being of service to other people—or even to yourself (since I bet you forget to do plenty of things that would actually serve you). Choose people or organizations you trust, respect, and admire, and offer your help in meaningful ways.

Along the way, you’ll develop some foundational principles of service:

• If they didn’t actually want the help, it’s not service. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful or skilled you are—if it isn’t something they want or need, it isn’t service.
• Serve with a positive attitude. A valuable trait of a good submissive is a resilient spirit—a willingness to be corrected without collapsing. There is no room for indignance or self-pity. Service is not just the task—it’s the attitude behind it. You’re not merely complying; you’re choosing to offer yourself with humility, adaptability, and grace under pressure.
• A good servant wants their Dom to be right. You won’t always agree with your Dom’s decisions. Sometimes you’ll think you know a better way. Sometimes you might even be correct. But submission isn’t about perfection—it’s about surrender. Your job isn’t to optimize; it’s to trust.

And as I said before, do not forget to serve yourself. Learn what your needs are, then learn the skills required to meet them. Practice fulfilling them just as you would for someone else.

Doing so will shift your perspective in three powerful ways:

1. You’ll respect yourself more, which makes you far more likely to stand up for your needs.
2. You’ll give from a place of fullness. When your own needs are met, you have overflow—energy you want to offer.
3. You’ll choose to submit, inviting someone to care for you not because you need them, but because you want them.

Practice Surrender

One of the biggest appeals of submission is the relief of handing over responsibility to someone else for a change—to be free, to stop worrying, and to simply be. The paradox is that many submissives-to-be are already overextended in their daily lives. You might be submitting to everyone except a Dom.

Think about it: Where in your life are you giving your time, energy, and attention out of obligation rather than desire? Those obligations drain you and create resentment—energy you’ll inevitably carry into a D/s dynamic unless you practice true surrender now.

To surrender intentionally, you must honestly examine where your time, energy, and resources are going—and, most importantly, how you feel about how you’re spending them. The goal is to get radically honest and begin creating space. That space makes you alive and full, so when you eventually serve a Dom, you’re serving from abundance—not depletion, guilt, or obligation.

To do this, create four columns: Obligations, Energy, Enjoyment, and Action.

Obligations

In the first column, list every obligation you’re currently committed to. Include things you believe you cannot change—because even those deserve examination. Children, partners, family, work, social commitments… all of it.

Ask yourself:

• Who do I give my time and energy to?
• What things must I do every day?
• What things must I do consistently?
• What responsibilities do I have?
• What am I committed to?
• What do I do with my free time?
• How do I take care of myself?
• How do I take care of others?
• When do I numb or distract myself?
• How do I waste time?
• How much do I sleep?

Add people, obligations, and commitments until you’ve captured where your energy goes. Reviewing your calendar, contacts, message history, and email can help jog your memory.

Now… breathe. Better yet, take a bath or a long walk. This list may feel overwhelming—and that’s the point. You can’t surrender what you haven’t acknowledged.

Energy

In the second column, mark how each obligation affects your energy. Use these symbols:

• ( + ) gives you energy
• ( – ) drains you
• ( / ) feels neutral

Enjoyment

In the third column, rate each item according to how much enjoyment or fulfillment it brings you.

Use a 0–10 scale:

• 0 = you despise it
• 10 = you love it and feel deeply nourished by it

Action

Finally, decide how to approach each obligation moving forward. Even when something feels “non-negotiable,” you often have more choice than you think—though that choice may be difficult.

Review your list and use the following categories:

• Stop: Look for obligations marked with (–) or (/) and an enjoyment score under 5. These activities drain you without meaningful benefit. Ask: What would happen if I stopped doing this? If possible, remove these entirely.
• Relinquish: Still looking at (–) or (/) items below 5, identify the ones you can’t fully drop but could hand over to someone else. Then consider items with enjoyment scores from 5–7. Which of these might run more smoothly—or bring you more peace—if someone else took them on? Relinquishing these tasks creates room for what truly matters. Even without a Dom, delegation to coworkers, family members, friends, or hired support is still an act of surrender.
• Cherish: These are the obligations marked with (+) and scoring 8–10 in enjoyment. They energize you, nourish you, and make you feel alive. These are yours. Do not give them up for anyone—not even a Dom. These keep you whole.

As you can see, surrender doesn’t have to be dramatic or difficult—especially when you begin by letting go of the things that drain you the most.

But let’s be very clear: You are not dumping your problems onto your Dom. Doms are leaders and problem-solvers—not charity workers. In D/s, the exchange is real: the more you relinquish, the more you’ll be expected to serve your Dom in the way they see fit.

Practice Skills

What—you thought the Dom was the only one who needed to learn skills? Submission does not mean being passive. Submissives require skills to keep themselves safe and to ensure a fulfilling, consensual, and deeply satisfying experience. Here, I’m specifically talking about developing the skills of a Bottom.

A Bottom is someone who has the skills to receive specific acts from another person, not necessarily within a power exchange. Just like a Top, a good Bottom has a strong understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves to ensure safe, pleasurable, and meaningful play for both partners.

Depending on what you’re into, you’ll also need to learn certain technical skills to safely and correctly engage in various kinks—though the skills you develop will differ from what a Top needs to learn.

You’ll also want to understand things such as:

• How to navigate subspace and manage subdrop
• How your body responds to different types of play and where your limits are
• How to communicate before a scene (negotiation), during a scene (using safewords), and after a scene (feedback and aftercare)

To support your learning, I recommend:

• The topping and bottoming books by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• Local workshops (find them through FetLife)
• Online learning platforms such as YouTube, Kink Academy, Beducated, and Kink University

Pick a kink you’re excited about. Find a resource. Start practicing. Go get after it.

Practice Understanding Your Yes and No

You know all those times you were told you’re too emotional?

Yeah. Ignore that.

The truth is, you’re not emotional enough. You’re disregarding your emotions so thoroughly that the only one you can reliably feel anymore is anxiety. The rest have been boxed up and put away because they “get in the way of life.”

Emotions are actually essential for a submissive. They are information-rich indicators of your inner experience—signals that tell you what you want, what you don’t, and where your boundaries truly lie. That anxiety you feel? It’s often a sign that you have a backlog of unfelt, undigested emotions your system is trying to manage.

At some point in your submissive journey, you’ll need to differentiate between a true yes and a true no. You’ll need to be able to hear what your body is telling you and recognize how yes and no feel in your system. We’ll cover that in a moment.

For now, I want you to begin reconnecting with the somatic experience of your emotions—what they feel like in your body. In other words, get out of your head and all the stories you’ve created about your experiences, and start paying attention to what’s actually happening inside you.

This starts with improving your interoception—your awareness of your internal bodily and emotional states. Your practice is to check in with yourself regularly throughout the day, noticing physical sensations and linking them to your emotions. Set alarms if you need to. Make it a ritual.

You can deepen this connection by practicing body scans:

1. Get into a comfortable position.
2. Take a few slow breaths, then bring your attention to your feet. Notice—without judgment—the sensations present there.
3. Move your awareness to your lower legs, then continue upward through each part of your body until you reach your head.
4. Use descriptive (not evaluative) language for sensations. Think: squishy, tense, hot, buzzy, relaxed, sharp, heavy—rather than good, bad, or hurt.

Doing this builds an intimate relationship with your body. When it has something to tell you, you’ll be able to hear it. That’s vital for the work ahead.

D/s relationships are built on consent. Both sides must be fully bought in. But here’s where the imbalance shows up: Doms rarely need to practice saying no, because they’re already steering the dynamic. Submissives, however, have to be excellent at recognizing and voicing both yes and no.

And here’s the tricky part: sometimes something is a no right now, a yes later, and then a no again. Naturally, that can make you uncertain about your desires.

What’s even more dangerous is saying yes when you are actually a no—whether because you’re nervous, eager to please, unsure of yourself, or afraid to speak up. That’s how submissives end up resentful, ashamed, or overwhelmed later. It also erodes trust—not just in your Dominant, but in yourself.

This is why it’s critically important to feel into your body and emotional state in the moment. Although each person is different, yes and no often have distinct somatic signatures.

A yes often feels:

• Expansive
• Light, airy
• Warm
• Energized and excited
• Focused, dialed in
• Relaxed and free of tension

A no often feels:

• Contracting
• Heavy or dark
• Irritable or restless
• Detached, bored, or tired
• Uncertain
• Filled with tension
• Cringe or aversion

It’s also important to distinguish between a true no and a fearful yes—situations where you want something but feel afraid to lean into it. Fear-driven uncertainty often has a “pulled forward” feeling—like nervous excitement before riding a roller coaster—while your mind spins stories that hold you back from fully committing.

Learning these nuances now will shape the depth, safety, and authenticity of your future submission.